Surrogacy, especially for gay dads, often turns out to be much more than science and paperwork—it’s a journey of the heart with unexpected highs and deep lows. Emotional pressure—from waiting, failures, legal ambiguities, and relationship strains—runs throughout. Here are stories from Redditors who’ve lived it, what surprised them, and what helped them get through.
“10× the Stress We Expected”
“It’s been about 10x the stress that I anticipated. There is sooooo much nuance, unspoken rules, and official requirements to the legal, fertility, agency management, clinic management, relationship-building, and finances than anyone told me or that I saw online.”
— A gay dad in /r/gaydads several months into the surrogacy process, reflecting on how overwhelming all the moving parts became. (Reddit)
Some of the heaviest emotional burdens came not from the big moments, but from all the little ones—waiting, unclear timelines, communication lags, uncertainty. One user added:
“The unknown 🙂 and that things take time.” (Reddit)
Failures, Miscarriages, and the Long Wait
Redditors consistently describe multiple failed embryo transfers, miscarriages, or surrogates dropping out, and how these knocked them off balance. In one thread:
“My husband and I just found out our second embryo transfer failed. It was a day 5, PGT-A tested embryo. Our GC has been a surrogate before and tested well for …” (Reddit)
In another story:
“We went through two surrogates who couldn’t get pregnant … we did 3 transfers with her, and each one failed. The third one took but then miscarried after 6 weeks. It was devastating. We had to get new embryos created. … Our son is now two months old. Overall, it was a 4-year process filled with a lot of frustration, grief, anxiety, and sadness.” (Reddit)
These setbacks are not rare, and for many, they shaped much of the emotional journey.
Frustration with Agencies / Surrogates / Clinics
Relationship dynamics—whether with the agency, the clinic, or the surrogate—often matter just as much emotionally as biological / medical issues. Some examples:
- A user said they chose an agency, waited 12 months, got matched, but 6 weeks later the surrogate decided she didn’t want to continue. The emotional blow came from having hope, momentum, then being pulled back. (Reddit)
- Another wrote: “We find our surrogate is not the easiest to talk to, kind of ends conversations so it’s uncomfortable to do more than text once or twice a week.” They also discovered early about vaccine hesitations, which raised anxiety about health and compatibility. (Reddit)
These are not just logistics—they hit at trust, personal expectations, vulnerability.
Anxiety, Guilt, Waiting & Identity Fears
Some Redditors share deeper emotional themes: guilt, conflict, wanting biological connection, being anxious about what people think. For example:
“I want to do surrogacy but feel guilty about it … Best years of my life … both want kids … But I always wanted my own biological kids … I feel selfish. … It feels like a compromise … It’s been a tough, long journey that we are still going through … sometimes it feels like a punishing rollercoaster ride.” (Reddit)
Also, the waiting periods—between matching, embryo transfers, test results—create emotional exhaustion:
“We didn’t tell people too many details until we had the NIPT results. At each step there is so much that can derail the process. And then there is the waiting between each stage, that’s been the hardest.” (Reddit)
Moments of Relief & Joy
Despite all that, there are clear emotional turning points people often talk about—moments when things go right, when progress is made, when pregnancy is confirmed, or when the baby arrives.
- One user reflected that once a positive pregnancy test came through, there was almost “instant relief,” even though fears still remained. (Reddit)
- Another thread spoke of finally having a clinic and agency relationship that communicated well, caring coordinators, and feeling genuinely supported—these “softer moments” made a big difference. (Reddit)
Composite Interview (Based on Multiple Redditors’ Voices)
Here’s a synthesized conversation based on multiple Redditors’ stories, to highlight what many go through emotionally.
Interviewer (I): What has been the hardest emotional moment so far?
Dad A: “Probably when our first surrogate dropped out. We had built trust, had medical screenings done. Then suddenly everything pauses, and we’re back to waiting again. That hit hard.”
I: And what about the failed transfers / miscarriages?
Dad A: “Each failure feels like hope died a little. It’s grief. But then you have to pull yourself together and try again. You don’t have much choice. The rollercoaster becomes your new normal.”
I: How do you cope with the waiting and uncertainty?
Dad A: “We try to detach emotionally in some moments—not because we want to, but because otherwise you’d burn out. We also lean on our partner a lot, friends, sometimes therapy. Having someone just say ‘this sucks’ helps. Also, celebrating small wins—a transfer, a clean lab report, a good communication with surrogate.”
Key Lessons & Emotional Survival Tips from Redditors
From dozens of comments, these are repeated pieces of wisdom:
- Expect setbacks. Assume there will be failed transfers, delays, frustration. Mentally preparing helps.
- Communication matters—not just with clinic and surrogate, but with partner. Make sure both are aligned on expectations, emotional load, what feels tolerable.
- Have emotional support: therapy, friends who “get it,” online communities. Reddit is often cited as a place people didn’t realize how much they’d need.
- Name the uncertain things—it helps to acknowledge them rather than pretend everything will go perfectly. The narrative helps you hold on.
- Allow joy to exist amid grief. Celebrate positives when they come (even small ones) to balance the emotional weight.
Final Reflections
The emotional side of surrogacy for gay dads is neither linear nor clean. It’s not “grief then success” in tidy steps—it’s messy. But many who finish the journey say that despite how hard it was emotionally, the reward of becoming parent makes the hardship meaningful.
“This whole journey is a ride … It will end up working in the end, just have faith.” (Reddit)
If you’re considering surrogacy, know this: loving your future child already includes holding their possibility—even while sitting with grief, uncertainty, and fear.
