For many gay dads, the relationship with the surrogate becomes one of the most intimate — and unpredictable — parts of the surrogacy journey. On Reddit’s gay parenting communities, intended parents share stories that run the gamut: instant connection and lifelong friendship; steady, professional communication; tangled boundaries; and, in some cases, painful breakdowns that forced parents to cut contact. These accounts show that the surrogate relationship is rarely “just a contract”; it’s a human relationship with emotions, expectations, and real consequences. (Reddit)
First meetings: hope, screening, and compatibility
Most intended parents describe the early matching process as hopeful and often surprisingly personal. Many couples start with a checklist — prior healthy pregnancies, stable lifestyle, clear motivation — but end up making decisions based on rapport and trust built in early conversations. One Redditor summarized the beginning simply: “Getting matched for us was the easy part.” For many, the real work begins after match day: learning how (and how often) to communicate, agreeing on medical participation, and setting boundaries around visits and updates. (Reddit)
Tips that repeat across threads include: ask about prior pregnancy history, meet in person if possible, discuss motivations openly (“Why are you a surrogate?”), and set expectations about communication frequency and involvement in appointments. These practical checks are often the difference between a smooth relationship and recurring friction later on. (Reddit)
When trust cracks: surprises that derail good intentions
Not every match stays ideal. Several Reddit posts recount situations where things went sideways — sometimes slowly, sometimes suddenly. One intended parent described a situation where their agency’s vetting missed critical issues, and the surrogate’s life circumstances unraveled late in pregnancy: “Our surrogate ended up … putting us through hell … birth basically became a rescue mission; resulting in more out of pocket expenses.” Stories like this highlight how a surrogate’s personal instability (housing, finances, substance use, family dynamics) can dramatically affect the intended parents’ stress and costs — even if contracts are in place. (Reddit)
These episodes often leave parents feeling betrayed, exhausted, and legally exposed. Several posters recommend rigorous background checks and referrals, and some say an agency that does thorough home-visits and long-form interviews is worth the extra cost. (Reddit)
Boundaries and money: where relationships turn transactional
Money and expectations are common friction points. While most surrogacy contracts outline compensation, “extras” sometimes appear in practice: requests for additional payments, last-minute childcare costs, or the surrogate asking for help with personal expenses. One Reddit thread describing a deteriorated relationship ended with the intended parents saying they had to cut contact after repeated, uncomfortable money requests: “We wanted to maintain a relationship but ended up cutting off all contact because it was simply too toxic; 6 months after our son was born she was still hitting us up for cash.” For some parents, setting firm boundaries in the contract — and refusing to blur them — ultimately protects both parties. (Reddit)
That said, other parents report a different pattern: surrogate and intended parents becoming close friends, celebrating milestones together, and maintaining long-term contact. The difference often comes down to clear expectations, open communication, and compatible values from the start. (Reddit)
Communication styles: text, calls, visits — and what works
Redditors describe a range of communication setups: daily texts, weekly video calls, monthly in-person visits, or almost entirely mediated contact through the agency. Many couples recommend agreeing on a plan early: who will be notified about results, whether the intended parents will attend ultrasounds, whether the surrogate is comfortable with hospital visits, and how much medical detail will be shared.
A recurring lesson: frequent, predictable updates reduce anxiety. When surrogates disappear for long stretches or fail to answer important health questions, intended parents report higher stress; conversely, surrogate openness (sharing reports, photos, or quick check-ins) fosters trust. (Reddit)
Boundaries after birth: ongoing contact or clean break?
After the baby arrives, relationships diverge. Some intended parents report warm, ongoing friendships with their surrogates; others say the relationship became fraught and they had to stop contact to protect family privacy. The posts show both ends of the spectrum: family dinners with the surrogate years later, and painful legal/emotional breakdowns where the surrogate’s behavior post-birth created ongoing issues.
Given that reality, intended parents often advise: decide in advance how you want the post-birth relationship to look, document it in the agreement, and revisit it if circumstances change. Clear wording in the contract about post-birth contact — whether it’s encouraged, limited, or none — helps manage expectations. (Reddit)
Practical safeguards Redditors recommend
From hundreds of comments, a set of practical safeguards appears again and again:
• Rigorous vetting: insist on medical, psychological, and social screenings and ask for references or prior agency placements. (Reddit)
• Clear, detailed contract: define compensation, extra payments, travel arrangements, medical decision protocols, and post-birth contact. (Reddit)
• Escrow & legal protections: hold compensation in escrow, and make sure your reproductive lawyer drafts enforceable terms that comply with the surrogate’s state law. (Reddit)
• Communication plan: agree on frequency and format of updates; include contingency plans if communication breaks down. (Reddit)
• Emotional support: therapy, support groups, and online communities (including Reddit) help parents process grief and celebrate wins. (Reddit)
Composite interview excerpt (synthesized from multiple Reddit voices)
Interviewer: How did you know this surrogate was “the one”?
Dad C (composite): “She had two healthy pregnancies before, her background checks were solid, and we liked her answers when we asked why she wanted to carry. We chatted a few times in person and it felt right.”
Interviewer: What would you do differently?
Dad C: “I’d spell out expectations even more — phone calls, ultrasounds, money — and ask the agency for more references. We underestimated how much life can change in nine months.” (Reddit)
Final thoughts
The Reddit threads paint a clear picture: the surrogate relationship is as much about emotional alignment as it is about legal safeguards. Good matches can grow into meaningful friendships that last a lifetime; poor matches can add legal, financial, and emotional strain to an already demanding process. For gay dads (and all intended parents), the best protection is preparation: thorough vetting, airtight contracts, agreed communication norms, and realistic expectations about how human relationships can change over time. (Reddit)
