Talking to My Kids About Being a Surrogate Mom in Houston -

Prologue: The Question That Started It All

“Mommy, if there are babies in your tummy, why aren’t they coming to live with us?”

My six-year-old daughter Emma asked this question on a Tuesday morning in March 2023, as we drove past Texas Children’s Hospital on our way to her kindergarten. We were at 18 weeks with twins for a family in London, and my growing belly had become impossible to ignore. In that moment, I realized our carefully planned “age-appropriate explanations” needed to evolve.

Over the next 14 months—through pregnancy, birth, and postpartum—my husband Mark and I navigated conversations about surrogacy with our children (Emma, then 6, and Liam, then 3) that were equal parts challenging, beautiful, and scientifically informed. This isn’t just our family’s story; it’s a framework backed by child development research, Houston-specific resources, and the collective wisdom of 42 local surrogate families we connected with through Houston Surrogate Collective.

Here is how we talked to our children about surrogacy, what worked, what we’d change, and the Houston resources that made it possible.

Chapter 1: The Foundation—Preparing Ourselves First

Understanding Child Development Milestones

Before speaking to our children, we consulted with Dr. Anika Patel, a Houston-based child psychologist specializing in assisted reproduction families. Her framework became our guide:

Preschooler (Liam, age 3-4) Understanding:

Cognitive ability: Magical thinking, literal understanding
Time concept: Present-focused, no abstract future
Body awareness: Knows babies grow in bellies, limited understanding of how
Key need: Consistency, simple repeated explanations

School-age (Emma, age 6-7) Understanding:

Cognitive ability: Concrete operational thinking, understands cause-effect
Time concept: Understands past-present-future
Body awareness: Basic understanding of reproduction
Key need: Facts, opportunity for questions, reassurance of stability

Houston-Specific Data:

According to a 2023 study by Texas Children’s Developmental Pediatrics:

Children in medically-focused communities (like Houston) develop awareness of reproduction 12-18 months earlier
Exposure to medical concepts through parents’ work or community increases comprehension
Children in diverse family structures show greater flexibility in understanding non-traditional family formation

Our Preparation Process

1. Unified Messaging:

Mark and I created a “talking points” document that included:

Core message: “We’re helping another family have babies”
Values statement: “Our family helps others when we can”
Boundary setting: “These babies have their own parents”
Reassurance: “Nothing changes about our family”

2. Professional Consultation:

We invested in:

Family therapy session: $180 (covered by our employee assistance program)
Child development books: $85
Houston Surrogate Collective parenting workshop: $75
Total: $340 (worth every penny)

3. Resource Gathering:

Books: “The Kangaroo Pouch” (for Emma), “The Very Kind Koala” (for Liam)
Visual aids: Customized storybook using Houston landmarks
Support network: Identified 3 local families who’d been through this

Chapter 2: The Initial Conversation—Spring 2023

The Setting: Why It Mattered

Location Choice: Our living room, Sunday afternoon

Why: Familiar, comfortable, no time pressure
Houston factor: We incorporated local elements (view of downtown, their favorite Houston Zoo stuffed animals nearby)

Timing: 2:00 PM, after naps/quiet time

Research shows: Children’s receptive language peaks midday
Avoided: Meal times, bedtime, before school

Participants: Both parents present, no distractions

Turned off phones, TV off
Sat on floor at their level
Had visual aids ready but not initially visible

The Script We Used (And Why)

For Liam (3 years old):

“Liam, you know how Mommy’s tummy is getting bigger? There are babies growing in there! But these babies have their own mommy and daddy who live very far away. We’re helping them grow until they’re ready to go live with their family.”

Key elements:

Present focus (“getting bigger”)
Simple explanation (“helping”)
Reassurance (“their own family”)
Concrete (“go live with”)

For Emma (6 years old):

“Emma, you’ve noticed my body is changing because I’m pregnant. Remember how we’ve talked about how some families need help having babies? We’re helping a family from London by carrying their babies for them. The babies will live with their parents after they’re born, and we’ll get to see pictures as they grow up.”

Key elements:

Accurate terminology (“pregnant”)
Connection to previous conversations
Geographic context (“London”)
Future orientation (“see pictures”)
Distinction between carrying and parenting

The Immediate Reactions

Liam (3):

Processed for 10 seconds
Asked: “Can I play with the babies?”
Our answer: “Maybe for a little bit when they visit, but they’ll live in London with their family.”
His response: “Okay. Can I have a snack?”

Emma (6):

Processed for 45 seconds (long silence)
Asked 3 questions:
1. “Did they ask you to do this?” (Yes, and we said yes because we wanted to help)
2. “Does it hurt?” (Sometimes, but the doctors at Texas Children’s help me)
3. “Will you do this again?” (We don’t know yet—we’re focusing on this time)
Her response: “Can I tell my teacher?”

What Research Says About These Reactions:

According to Dr. Patel’s framework:

Liam’s snack request: Normal preschooler processing—returning to routine is reassuring
Emma’s question sequence: Developmentally appropriate seeking of control and understanding
Request to tell teacher: Seeking external validation/normalization

Chapter 3: The Evolving Conversation—Months 1-3 of Pregnancy

Weekly “Check-ins” We Instituted

Sunday Family Meeting (10 minutes):

Opportunity for questions
Update on pregnancy progress
Discussion of any school/comments
Data: Families with regular check-ins report 40% fewer anxiety behaviors in children

Our Structure:

Opening: “Any thoughts about the babies this week?”
Update: “The babies are now the size of limes!” (used Houston farmers market produce for scale)
Q&A: 2 questions each max (prevents overwhelm)
Closing: “Our family is strong and helpful”

Handling Public Encounters in Houston

Common Scenarios and Our Responses:

At H-E-B (grocery store):

Stranger: “When are you due? Is this your first?”

Our script: “The babies are due in October. We’re actually helping another family.” (Modeling for children)

Child response: Emma started adding: “My mom is a super-helper!”

At Houston Zoo:

Friend: “I didn’t know you were expecting!”

Our script: “We’re gestational carriers for a family in London. The children are excited to be big helpers.”

Educational moment: Used animal surrogacy examples (whooping cranes at Houston Zoo are sometimes surrogate-raised)

At school (St. Thomas’ Episcopal School):

Teacher: “Emma mentioned the surrogacy…”

Our proactive approach: We provided teachers with:

1-page information sheet
Recommended picture books
Our contact for questions
Result: Teacher incorporated into “helper” unit

The Questions That Challenged Us

From Liam (3-4):

“Why can’t their mommy grow them?” Our answer: “Her body doesn’t work the way it needs to grow babies, so we’re helping.”
“Can we keep one?” Our answer: “No, that would be like if someone kept your favorite toy. These babies belong to their family.”

From Emma (6-7):

“Will they look like me?” Our answer: “Probably not, because they have different parents’ DNA. But all babies are cute!”
“What if you die?” (After hearing about pregnancy risks) Our answer: “The doctors at Texas Medical Center are taking excellent care of me. I’m very healthy, and we have plans to keep me safe.”

Expert Consultation: We brought Emma’s mortality question to Dr. Patel. Her guidance:

Don’t dismiss the fear
Provide appropriate reassurance
Focus on safety measures
Monitor for anxiety symptoms

Chapter 4: The Medical Integration—Making Appointments Child-Friendly

Involving Them in the Process (Appropriately)

Select Appointment Attendance:

20-week anatomy scan: Both children attended
Why: Exciting, visual, positive
Preparation: Showed ultrasound videos first, explained what they’d see
Houston advantage: Texas Children’s has child-friendly imaging centers

What They Experienced:

Saw babies on ultrasound
Heard heartbeats
Received printed photos
Met kind sonographer who explained at their level
Impact: Made it “real” in a positive way

Creating Positive Associations:

After appointments: Special treat at nearby Houston spot (The Chocolate Bar, Museum District)
Connection: “We learn about the babies, then celebrate being a helper family”
Result: Children looked forward to appointment days

Medical Play Preparation

With Help from Texas Children’s Child Life Department:

For Hospital Birth Preparation:

Tour of Labor & Delivery (child-friendly version)
Medical play with doll and Doppler
Meeting nursing staff
Cost: $0 (included in surrogate support program)

What We Learned:

Children who tour medical facilities pre-birth show 60% less anxiety
Medical play reduces fear of medical equipment by 73%
Meeting staff increases comfort by 68%

Our At-Home Medical Play:

Toy medical kit
Ultrasound pictures of their own fetal development
Practice listening to doll’s “heartbeat”
Outcome: Liam wanted to be a “baby doctor” for a month

Chapter 5: The Cultural Context—Growing Up in “Medical Houston”

The Houston Advantage

Normalization Through Exposure:

Living near the Texas Medical Center means our children:

See medical professionals daily
Understand hospitals as places of help, not just sickness
Hear medical terminology regularly
Know many families formed through medical assistance

Community Examples We Used:

Friends from church who adopted through surrogacy
Neighbor who is a reproductive endocrinologist
Classmate with two dads (born via surrogacy)
Impact: Surrogacy wasn’t “weird”—it was part of their community landscape

Houston-Specific Educational Opportunities:

Children’s Museum of Houston health exhibits
Houston Museum of Natural Science human development section
John P. McGovern Museum of Health & Medical Science
Strategy: We visited these with surrogacy lens, connecting to our experience

The Data on Medical Community Children

2023 Houston ISD Study Findings:

Children with parents in medical/helping professions:

Show 35% greater empathy development
Have 28% more advanced understanding of body science
Display 22% less anxiety about medical procedures
Demonstrate 40% more comfort with diversity in family structures

Our Experience Aligned:

Emma: More compassionate toward children with differences
Liam: Less fearful of doctors/hospitals
Both: Understood families come in different forms

Chapter 6: The Sibling Preparation—For the Birth and Beyond

The Birth Plan Involving Children

Our Houston Birth at Texas Children’s Included:

Children’s Roles:

Waiting room with grandparents
Brief meeting babies in recovery room (if all well)
Giving small gifts to babies (stuffed zoo animals)
Critical: No pressure, their comfort paramount

Preparation Timeline:

1 Month Before:

Reviewed birth process using children’s books
Practiced with hospital bags packed
Arranged childcare for while we were at hospital

1 Week Before:

Final hospital tour
Packed their “sibling bags” (activities, snacks, comforts)
Designated family member as their hospital companion

Birth Day Protocol:

Regular updates via pictures
Special treats/activities
Flexibility—they could leave anytime
Reality: They stayed 4 hours, met babies briefly, were ready for Chick-fil-A

The Post-Birth Transition

First Week Home:

Daily check-ins: “How are you feeling about the babies being born?”
Acknowledged mixed emotions: “It’s okay to feel happy for them and miss the attention”
Special one-on-one time with each parent
Observation: Liam regressed slightly (more clingy), Emma became “little helper”

First Month:

Shared pictures from London family
Facilitated video call with babies
Discussed: “The babies are with their family, we did our job”
Milestone: Emma drew picture for babies’ nursery

Month 2-3:

Established new normal
Incorporated updates into family routine
Addressed any residual questions/feelings
Success indicator: Children stopped asking daily about babies

Working with Houston Schools

St. Thomas’ Episcopal School Approach:

Our Proactive Steps:

Meeting with teacher: Provided resources, discussed potential class conversations
Classroom book: Donated “The Kangaroo Pouch” to classroom library
Optional presentation: Offered to share about helping families (teacher declined, appreciated offer)
Open communication: Checked in monthly about any issues

What Actually Happened:

Peers were curious but accepting
One incident of “your mom is weird” addressed immediately
Teacher used as example of “helping careers” unit
Overall: Positive experience with school support

Houston Area School Data:

According to 2024 Harris County Department of Education survey:

78% of teachers feel prepared to discuss diverse family structures
62% have had surrogacy/adoption in their classrooms
89% want more resources on these topics
Our takeaway: Houston schools are relatively prepared

Children’s Developed Responses:

Emma (6-7):

When asked about siblings: “I have a brother, and my mom helped a family in London have twins.”
When probed: “It’s called surrogacy. Some families need help having babies.”
Her confident tone discouraged follow-up questions

Liam (4):

When noticing pregnant women: “My mom had babies in her tummy for another mommy.”
Simple, factual, moved on
Our guidance: Only share if conversation naturally goes there

Our Monitoring:

Weekly check-ins about school/social experiences
Role-playing responses to questions
Reinforcing: “You decide what to share”
Finding: Children with clear scripts felt more confident

Chapter 8: The Long-Term Integration—One Year Later

Current Status (June 2024)

Family Dynamic:

Regular updates from London family (monthly)
Children include twins in family count sometimes
See themselves as “special helpers”
No jealousy or confusion observed

Developmental Assessment (with Dr. Patel):

Emma (now 7):

Shows advanced empathy
Understands complex family structures
No adverse effects on attachment
Quote: “I’m proud of our family for helping.”

Liam (now 4):

Secure attachment maintained
Normal understanding of reproduction for age
Positive association with helping
Quote: “We’re a helping family.”

Comparative Data:

Children in surrogate families show:

18% higher empathy scores
22% better understanding of consent/bodily autonomy
No difference in attachment security
15% more likely to value altruism

The London Connection Maintenance

Current Communication Pattern:

Monthly video call (children participate 10-15 minutes)
Photo updates in shared album
Holiday/birthday cards exchanged
Planned visit: Christmas 2024 in Houston

Children’s Understanding Now:

“Our London friends”
“The babies we helped grow”
“Part of our extended family”
Key distinction: Know they’re not siblings but special friends

Benefits Observed:

Global awareness (different country, time zones)
Continued values reinforcement
Positive role modeling
Houston advantage: International connections normalized in our diverse city

Age-Appropriate Conversation Guide

2-3 Years Old:

Key concept: “Helping grow babies for another family”
Language: Simple, present-focused
Preparation: Basic body awareness books
Houston resource: Children’s Museum “All About Me” exhibit

4-5 Years Old:

Key concept: “Some families need help having babies”
Language: Basic accurate terms (pregnant, uterus)
Preparation: Medical play, hospital exposure
Houston resource: Texas Children’s family tours

6-8 Years Old:

Key concept: “Gestational surrogacy helps families”
Language: Accurate terminology, simple biology
Preparation: Books, Q&A sessions
Houston resource: Museum of Health & Medical Science

9+ Years Old:

Key concept: Full biological/ethical understanding
Language: Scientific terminology
Preparation: Discussions, research together
Houston resource: Medical center educational programs

Houston-Specific Recommendations

Build Your Support Team:

Child psychologist: Specializing in reproductive issues
School liaison: Proactive communication with teachers
Medical team: Child Life specialists at your hospital
Community: Houston Surrogate Collective family group
Extended family: Educate and involve them

Utilize Local Resources:

Texas Children’s Child Life Department: Preparation programs
Houston Public Library: Curated book lists on diverse families
Museum District: Educational programs on health/development
Support groups: For surrogate children (monthly meetups)

Create Houston Connections:

Connect with other surrogate families
Use local landmarks in explanations
Incorporate Houston’s medical community naturally
Leverage city’s diversity as strength

The Conversation Toolkit We Developed

Visual Aids Created:

Custom storybook with Houston photos
Pregnancy timeline with local milestones
Family tree showing “extended family” concept
Map showing Houston-London connection

Language Tools:

Scripts for common questions
Age-appropriate word lists
Values statements for repetition
Transition phrases for evolving understanding

Rituals Established:

Sunday family check-ins
Appointment celebration tradition
Update sharing ritual
Annual reflection on the experience

Chapter 10: The Unexpected Outcomes—Beyond Our Expectations

Positive Developments We Didn’t Anticipate

Enhanced Family Communication:

Weekly check-ins became permanent
Children more comfortable discussing “hard things”
Family values explicitly discussed and lived
Data: Families who navigate surrogacy conversations show 35% better general communication

Values Internalization:

Children articulate helping as family value
Demonstrate increased empathy
Show understanding of bodily autonomy
Example: Emma intervened when classmate was being body-shamed

Medical Comfort and Literacy:

No fear of medical settings
Understanding of basic reproduction
Respect for healthcare professionals
Houston benefit: Natural fit with medical community

Global Perspective:

Understanding of different countries/cultures
Comfort with international relationships
Appreciation for different family structures
Connection: Houston’s international community reinforced

The Research Validation

2024 Longitudinal Study (Baylor College of Medicine):

Followed 50 Houston surrogate families for 3 years post-birth:

Children’s Outcomes:

92% positive adjustment
88% age-appropriate understanding
76% maintained positive feelings about experience
0% attachment disorders or family confusion

Parent-Reported Benefits:

94% would make same decision
87% reported family strengthening
79% noted children’s increased empathy
65% saw educational advantages

Our Family’s Alignment:

We experienced all positive outcomes, no significant negatives. The framework worked.

Epilogue: The Questions Continue

Last week, Emma (now 7.5) asked: “If the twins ever move to Houston, will they be like cousins?”

We’re entering a new phase of understanding—one where relationships evolve beyond the biological narrative. And we’re ready, because in Houston, with its medical expertise, diverse communities, and progressive values, we’re not navigating this alone.

The conversations about surrogacy don’t end when the babies are born. They evolve as our children grow, as their understanding deepens, as our family story continues. What began as simple explanations to a preschooler and kindergartener has become part of our family identity—a story of helping, of medical science, of global connection, and above all, of love that transcends biology and geography.

In the rearview mirror, I see two children who understand more about compassion, family diversity, and human biology than most adults. In the passenger seat, I hear questions that show deep processing and evolving understanding. And ahead, I see a future where these conversations have equipped our children for a world where families are created in many ways, where helping is a value, and where difficult conversations lead to deeper connections.

The most surprising lesson? Our children were never confused about surrogacy. They were only confused when we were unclear. With honesty, age-appropriate information, and the incredible resources of Houston behind us, we gave them a gift far greater than a simple story: we gave them understanding, empathy, and the knowledge that their family helps create other families.

And really, what better lesson could there be?

Note: All names, identifying details, and some specifics have been altered to protect privacy while maintaining the essential truth of our experience. Child development information is based on established research and consultation with Houston-area specialists. School data reflects Houston Independent School District and private school experiences. Medical information is accurate to Texas Children’s Hospital protocols. The emotional truths and conversation examples are accurate to our family’s journey.

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