When you and your partner consider adding a child to your family, one of the biggest decisions can be: Which path do we take? Whether you’re leaning toward adoption or surrogacy (or both), having an open, honest conversation together is crucial. This article walks through how to prepare for, open, and navigate this conversation so that both of you feel heard, aligned and empowered.
1. Why this conversation matters
- Adoption and surrogacy both represent major emotional, financial and life-journeys. They aren’t simply “how we’ll get a kid” but affect identity, family structure, logistics, and values.
- Many relationships hit a snag when one partner is ready and the other is unsure. For example, one Redditor wrote: “My partner (25F) and I (28M) … she doesn’t want to physically go through the journey of pregnancy … I would prefer biological children and … surrogacy seemed weird.”
- If you skip this conversation or rush it, you may face misaligned expectations later—financial stress, emotional hurt, or relationship strain.
2. How to prepare for the conversation
Before you sit down with your partner, it helps to do some personal groundwork:
- Educate yourself: Understand what adoption and surrogacy involve — the medical, legal, financial, emotional aspects. This allows you to talk from knowledge, not assumptions.
- Know your “why”: Why do you want to build a family this way? What meaning do adoption or surrogacy have for you? Knowing your internal motivations helps you communicate them.
- Reflect on your partner’s perspective: Think about what your partner’s hopes or fears might be. What might hold them back? Are they worried about costs, biology, birth parent relationships, or something else?
- Pick the right time and environment: Choose a relaxed, uninterrupted moment. This is not a quick talk; it’s a meaningful discussion.
3. Opening the conversation
Here’s a loose step-by-step approach to starting the chat:
a) Share your feelings
- “I’ve been thinking about how we build our family and I’d love to share what’s on my mind.”
- Use “I” statements: “I feel…”, “For me…”, rather than “You should…”.
- Example from Reddit: “We had a real honest deep heart-to-heart … I know my partner would love to be a parent. I would love to give that to them.”
b) Describe the options you’re considering
- Briefly explain adoption and surrogacy: what they involve, what your attraction is, and what your concerns might be.
- For example: “I like the idea of adoption because we can provide a loving home to a child who needs one. But I’m also drawn to surrogacy because of the potential for a biological link and more control over the process.”
c) Invite your partner to share
- Ask: “How do you feel about having children? What concerns or hopes do you have?”
- Listen deeply—without interruption or judgment.
- You might hear: fear of cost, fear of parenting alone, fear of time commitment, desire for biological connection, etc.
d) Explore together
- Discuss questions such as:
- What kind of family do we want?
- What’s our budget and timeline?
- How much involvement do we want in the process (pregnancy/surrogate/child?)
- What are our legal or logistical constraints?
- Example: “We may want kids but she doesn’t want to physically go through the journey of pregnancy.”
4. Topics to cover in depth
Here are deeper issues you’ll want to talk through:
- Budget & financial commitments: Surrogacy and adoption can both be costly. Be clear on what you’re willing and able to invest.
- Timeline & readiness: When are you ready? How long are you willing to wait? What are our priorities?
- Biology & genetics: If surrogacy,- does one of you want a genetic link? If adoption, are you prepared to parent a child without that link?
- Legal & ethical considerations: What state/country laws apply? What’s the contract or parentage process? Are you okay with the ethical implications?
- Emotional support & sourcing help: Both routes involve emotional highs and lows — infertility grief, wait times, legal hurdles, child identity questions later.
- Parenting philosophy & roles: What kind of parent do you want to be? What are your roles and responsibilities? How will you support each other?
5. Handling differences or disagreements
It’s common that one partner leans toward adoption, the other toward surrogacy—or one is ready now, the other isn’t. Here are strategies:
- Validate each other’s feelings: “I hear you’re worried about cost” or “I see that you value biology.”
- Stay curious, not confrontational: Ask open questions: “What would make you comfortable with adoption?” “What concerns you about surrogacy?”
- Seek shared values, then explore paths: Often you share core values—wanting a child, wanting a loving home, wanting to be a good parent. Use those as anchors.
- Consider a pause and re-visit: If you’re not aligned, it may be wise to set a time to revisit the topic after research and reflection.
- Get external help: A fertility counsellor, adoption specialist, or couples therapist can provide neutral guidance. Reddit posters often cite lack of alignment as major relationship stress.
6. Moving forward together
Once you’ve had the conversation, next steps might be:
- Create a joint list: Pros/cons of adoption vs surrogacy, what excites you, what scares you.
- Research together: Attend an info session, talk to a specialist or agency, join support forums (including Reddit).
- Set decision checkpoints: For example, “Let’s revisit this in three months with budget and timeline research done.”
- Continue the conversation regularly: Big decisions change, feelings change. Regular check-ins keep you aligned.
7. Conclusion
Talking to your partner about adoption or surrogacy may feel daunting—but with preparation, openness and mutual respect, it can also bring you closer. The goal is not simply to pick a method, but to build shared vision, trust and realistic expectations for your parenting journey. You’re not just doing this for a child—you’re doing this together.
In the end, whichever path you choose will require love, commitment and resilience—but you’ll carry it best when you carry it as a team.
