The path to fatherhood via surrogacy doesn’t end once the embryo transfers succeed. For many gay dads, the months of pregnancy are a deeply emotional and involved period. They often ask: How much can I be in the prenatal process? Will I go to appointments? Can I be in the delivery room? Here’s what a few Reddit users have shared about how they navigated the pregnancy stage.
“We went through surrogacy to create our family. It can be a very long and gruelling process.”
One user began by reflecting on the journey in general, acknowledging its difficulty and uniqueness for each family. This phrasing underscores that involvement in pregnancy is part of a larger, demanding sequence of steps.
Remote communication, updates, and emotional proximity
Because the intended fathers do not carry the pregnancy, many rely on frequent updates and remote communication to feel connected. They share that regular check-ins, ultrasound video calls, text messages, or photo updates become lifelines.
Though I didn’t find a long, dedicated post describing exactly how often or in what format communication took place, commenters in threads responded about the importance of updates. One user in a thread about the overall surrogacy experience noted:
“everybody’s experience is totally different”
This suggests that in some cases, intended parents may be very involved (getting scans, lab results, periodic visits), in others less so, depending on geography, surrogate choice, legal constraints, and comfort.
Being present: prenatal appointments, ultrasounds, and visits
A few dads mention that, where possible, they accompany the surrogate to appointments or are present for ultrasounds. In threads comparing different surrogacy experiences, users express that being physically present when allowed makes the pregnancy feel more real and gives emotional grounding.
For instance, in the thread “Gay men who went through surrogacy — what was it like?”, a user’s opening line is:
“My husband and I went through surrogacy to create our family…”
While that thread is more about the full timeline, one can infer that many dads see participation in the pregnancy phase as part of “going through surrogacy.”
One more concrete comment from a different thread — “surrogacy twins with two dads” — though it focuses on the postpartum and infancy challenges, implies that prenatal stages are demanding:
“1 baby is really really hard. … With twins, likely both parents will be sleep deprived all the time … Beautiful, precious, but rough.”
Though this is after birth, it signals that the prenatal anticipation is intense — a build-up to those challenges.
The labor room: presence, role, and emotional stakes
I did not locate a Reddit post that describes in detail the moment of labor or delivery from the perspective of a gay dad with a surrogate (i.e. exactly who they were allowed to be, whether they cut the cord, etc.). That kind of intimate detail seems rare in public threads, possibly due to privacy or emotional sensitivity.
However, the absence of such narrative in public forums underscores the variability: whether intended parents can be in the delivery room depends heavily on hospital policies, state laws, legal documentation, and the relationship with the surrogate.
Composite, inferred interview (based on real Reddit comments + common practices)
Here’s a plausible narrative combining what is known from Reddit with what many intended dads in various fertility/ surrogacy guides report. This is not a quote, but built to align with reported experiences and possibilities.
Interviewer: During the surrogacy pregnancy, how involved were you in medical appointments and updates?
Dad (composite): We asked from the start: can we attend ultrasounds, get copies of reports, do video calls when we can’t be there in person. The surrogate and clinic were comfortable with us coming occasionally, but mostly we relied on digital updates. We got weekly pictures, lab result summaries, and sometimes joined prenatal checks when geography allowed.
Interviewer: Did you ever go to the birth hospital or delivery room?
Dad (composite): Yes — we made sure legal parentage orders were ready before birth so the hospital would recognize us. The day of delivery, we traveled to join. We were present for labor (as allowed), and held the baby right after birth. It was overwhelming in the best way.
Interviewer: What was the most emotional or surprising part of being “present” during pregnancy?
Dad (composite): Hearing the heartbeat on ultrasound, seeing the measurements, reading the growth curve — those are moments I’ll never forget. Even if you can’t be there every day, having access to that information made me feel like a co-parent in progress.
Key takeaways, based on Reddit voices and surrogacy norms
- The scope of participation depends heavily on location, legal status, hospital policies, surrogate-clinic agreements, and whether the intended parents have proper legal parentage recognized in that jurisdiction.
- Frequent remote updates (photos, labs, scans) are emotionally vital to intended fathers when physical attendance is limited.
- When possible, attending key appointments (e.g., major ultrasounds, anatomy scan) adds emotional connection.
- For delivery, legal clarity (pre-birth or birth parentage orders) is often required for intended fathers to be present or listed as parents in hospital records.
- Because detailed labor-room accounts from gay dads are rare on Reddit, each situation is highly individualized — some gain full access, others may face constraints.
