Surrogacy is not just a medical or legal process; for many gay couples, finding the right surrogate is one of the most delicate, emotional, and defining parts of the journey. Here are experiences shared by real people on Reddit, focusing on how they selected their surrogates, what mattered to them, and what surprised them.
What “right” means — health, trust, and compatibility
From multiple threads, common criteria emerge for what “right” means:
- Health & pregnancy history: many dads say they wanted a surrogate who had previous healthy pregnancies, good medical screening, reliable obstetric history. One person wrote about needing a woman “screened for her overall and reproductive health, and also for her mental and emotional health.” Agencies typically require this.
- Trust and communication: personality matters. Some describe feeling a strong personal rapport the first time they met a surrogate. How she answered questions, how responsive she was, whether she seemed open and honest — these were recurring deciding factors.
- Lifestyle and values: for instance, whether the surrogate lives in a stable environment, has a support network, agrees to certain medical or dietary restrictions, is okay with certain cultural or religious beliefs of the intended parents. Some wrote that they valued a surrogate who considered pregnancy a serious, shared commitment, not just a transaction.
Original Voices — What Redditors Said
Here are direct or near-direct quotes / paraphrases from Redditors who described their surrogate selection process:
“We have a 6 year old from a previous relationship. We are very interested in starting our path to fatherhood (again!) through surrogacy.”
— Though not specifically about surrogate matching, this reflects couples setting out their values from the start, often including what kind of surrogate they hope to find. (Reddit)
Another Redditor, giving advice about legal and surrogate match criteria, mentioned:
“You need to find a lawyer that specializes in SAME SEX FAMILY LAW and surrogacy. If you’re in the US … make sure your lawyer is extremely familiar with the process. … Our first two children were born in CA … our third was born in AZ … the process was much more complicated …”
— This shows how important legal compatibility and the surrogate’s state or location is, which often factors into choosing who the surrogate is (or where she resides). (Reddit)
In another thread about sperm/donor decisions:
“A couple that I know had their sperm mixed for the surrogacy, giving both of them a shot at fathering the child.”
— While this quote is more about genetic contribution, such decisions often intersect with surrogate matching, because the surrogate needs to agree to details like whose embryo gets used, how many transfers, etc. (Reddit)
Challenges & Surprises in the Matching Process
From the Reddit posts, several unexpected challenges came up when matching with a surrogate:
- Legal & state laws affecting choice: One Redditor noted that even after choosing a surrogate, the surrounding state laws (where the surrogate lives, or where the birth happens) could introduce unexpected requirements or complications, especially around parentage orders. (Reddit)
- Waiting longer than expected: Because many intended parents set specific criteria (age, health history, personality, location), the pool of surrogates that meet all criteria is smaller — which means matching can take much longer.
- Balancing “ideal” vs “practical”: Some said that initially they had extensive checklists (e.g. past pregnancies, education level, lifestyle, even ethnicity or religious values) but later realized that rigid criteria might delay things too much, so they prioritized a few must-haves and let go of “nice-to-haves.”
A Composite Interview (Based on Multiple Redditors)
Here’s an anonymized composite interview that synthesizes multiple Reddit posts into one “person’s story,” to give a sense of how someone might describe their experience.
Interviewer: What were your top priorities when selecting a surrogate?
Dad B: We wanted someone with proven, healthy pregnancies, minimal medical risk, sober lifestyle, no smoking/drugs, generally good physical health. Also someone who lives not too far from us, so travel is easier. The clinic and agency screened for all of that.
Interviewer: How did you judge personality and compatibility?
Dad B: We had a few Zoom calls and then one in-person meeting. We asked about her motivations — why she wanted to become a surrogate. That helped us understand whether she saw it as helping a family, or more like a job. We also talked about how children are discussed, medical decisions, how much involvement we wanted — like being present at ultrasounds, being at the birth, staying in communication through pregnancy. It mattered a lot to feel comfortable with someone we’d trust with our child’s health journey.
Interviewer: Did any criteria end up being less important than you thought?
Dad B: Yes. For example, at first we thought ethnicity or certain hospital preferences might be key. But we realized those were lower priority compared to being able to communicate well, trust her judgment, and also ensuring legal protection. That shifted our focus.
Advice Shared by Redditors
From the community, here are actionable tips based on what people repeatedly recommend.
- Be very clear about your must-haves vs nice-to-haves in surrogate criteria.
- Ask about prior surrogacy or pregnancy history. A surrogate who has carried a healthy pregnancy before is often preferred.
- Discuss upfront what level of involvement you want during pregnancy and birth — visits, ultrasounds, decisions, birth plan. Make sure the surrogate is okay with it.
- Understand where the surrogate lives, where the baby will be born, and the local laws — sometimes legal recognition hinges on that.
- Use an agency or fertility clinic with good experience matching LGBTQ+ intended parents with surrogates, and with thorough screening (medical, psychological).
Final Reflections
Choosing a surrogate is both a practical and deeply emotional decision for many gay dads. From Reddit stories:
- It can take time and patience.
- What feels “right” often includes both objective medical or legal criteria and intangible trust, personality, alignment of values.
- The most satisfying matches often are those where the intended parents and surrogate feel like partners in a journey, not just contractual.
If you are considering this route, hearing real experiences like these can help you shape your own checklist — not to copy someone else’s, but to define your priorities.
